This video was made the same day the hospital story was done. Thought I would share. I think I look silly in this plus I show my "happy tooth" a lot lol
Saturday, February 19, 2011
I got myself another new little ticker haha So Now I can start my count down of 27 days til my final exchange surgery! I got the final word this tuesday that I am allowed to have my final surgery on March 18th! I also got my last fill which was 50 on the left and 40 or the right. I am so ready to get these suckers out of me! I have a new way of explaining them to people now and I think it is a pretty good fit. I feel as though I have 2 pregnant bellies on top of where my breast should be. I don't have boobs I have two pregnant bellies and I want to pop these expanders out and my due date is march 18th. Ha I crack myself up! OR maybe I am loosing it a little bit. My next appointment is scheduled for march 3rd and this will be my pre op to talk about the exact size and type of implant I want and as to what goes down on the final day. I will go into that more on the next blog post Just wanted to catch everybody up to speed on how things are going and post my newest pictures. So with out further a do!
at 10:13 AM
Saturday, February 12, 2011
So for those that do not know me, today was my mothers 1 year anniversary of her passing. Today has been extremely hard for me, just like most days ( even though I try to hide it) I feel like a piece of me is gone and I will never get it back. I was never the perfect daughter...wasn't even close. My mom and I never got along, it was bad. We constantly fought verbally and physically. Ever since I could remember we had issues. I am a very stubborn person who used to hold a grudge so long I forget what the actual grudge was about. That was how our relationship was. I went as far as going 10 years not telling my mother that I loved her! I look back on this now and regret everyday that i wasted fighting with her, minutes, days, weeks, months and years that I will never get back. October 20th 2008 was the first day in 10 years that I finally looked my mother in the eye and told her I loved her. She was lying in a hospital bed and had just gotten out of an attempted whipple procedure. I had just gotten off the phone with her surgeon (my future surgeon) who had to tell me she had cancer. They had found a tumor on her pancreas and tried to remove it but failed. On the way home from the hospital, I had to break the news to my father that mom had cancer again and that her prognosis was not good. I was terrified and first thought that she had pancreatic cancer after the pathology came back a week later, she was diagnosed with breast cancer. StageIV triple negative Breast cancer that had spread to her pancreas. A month before all of this happened I made some terrible decisions in life that almost costed me my life, I learned from my mistakes and became a better person, daughter and mother. This time around I was finally the daughter my mother had always wanted. I took the bull by the horns and attended every oncology appt and made sure I knew what was going on. Even grabbed results for ctscans, mri's blood work before we would even here from the Oncologist. Both my parents were clueless about everything going on and the day that we were told she had 24 months to live it went right through my parents ears and out the other. I don't know if it was just denial or what but I always was he one who had to break the bad news to them. That night I had to tell them both once again that this was not curable and 24 months was moms prognosis. A year went by of treatments, chemo once a week and 30 days of radiation. hair loss sickness nausea ect. Mom was a fighter she was still working full time and getting treatments! My dad had been laid off in August of 2008 from his job that was his life for 20 years and never got a new one. She was the bread winner in the house. September 2009 the Cancer spread again, the chemo that had been working she was taken off of due to neuropathy, Her cancer had now spread to her liver. October 16th 2009 was the first day of her decline. This was also the 1st day of the Philadelphia 3-day for the Cure Breast Cancer Walk which Brian and I were walking for the 1st time ever in honor of both of our mothers who were both undergoing treatments and could not walk themselves. We raised $14,000.00 that year! For the first time in 3DAY history, they cancelled the walk due to a double nor-eastern. This was a godsend, I was able to sit by moms hospital bed and be there for her through all of this. This was also the last week she would ever eat solid food again. She was sent home with a TPN bag. This ended up being my daily job so she could get nutrition 2 times a day. She started loosing weight, she was still getting sick and then she was in and out of the hospital numerous times from November to December. My son had a hard time dealing with Nana's cancer. They were best friends. I ended up putting him in therapy to slowly tell him nana was going to go to heaven, IT took him 6 months after her death for him to finally start expressing himself. We spent our Christmas in the hospital with mom, presents and all. After discharge she was sent to a NUrsing facility which I hated myself for doing but I could no longer take on the responsibility of the TPN bag, I was working 2 jobs and taking care of my 7 year old son it was just too much I had started loosing 20 hours a week. She was in the nursing facility for about 2 weeks, I visited her as much as I possibly could. January 2010 she was put on hospice and given 4 weeks to live. This was the hardest month of my life, seeing her decline as fast as she did. I was told as her heart rate increased the end was near. I became obsessed with asking the home care nurse what her heart rate was every other day when she would visit. It would slowly inch its way up every time. I finally talked my mom into getting a bed downstairs in the living room with a commode because she was too weak to be walking around. 7 days before she passed I was laying in her bed talking and watching tv with her on my lunch break and I told her that she had fought long enough and that it was ok to go. It was time to no longer suffer. She told me she was going to go and that she loved me. The very next day I don't know for sure but in my opinion she let the cancer spread to her brain. She became incoherent and all she would do is yell "help me" all day long. It was like her soul had left her body it was terrible. This went on for another 6 days, I had to give her ativan, halidol and morphine just to keep her comfortable. I cried at the sight of her and that vision is permanently embedded in my brain as one of my last memories. every time I think about it I cry. I really think I may have developed some type of PTSD because of everything. I heard her take her lasts gasps of air on February 11th 2010. She finally was no longer suffering anymore, no more pain no more torture. She was finally free. Not a day goes by where I don't think of her. She was the only female family member I had in my life. She will never get to dance at my wedding or see me have more children or buy a house. I will never forget those 10 years of fighting that I wasted. Please hug your loved ones tight tonight tell them more than once that you love them and don't hold grudges with the people you love. You never know how much time you have left with them.
Rip Susan May Large 9/11/47- 2/11/10 Loving mother, wife friend and Nana
Rip Susan May Large 9/11/47- 2/11/10 Loving mother, wife friend and Nana
at 2:51 AM
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
Or so that's what my new little ticker says, I didn't add in the surgery on December 15th just the 1st one. So to bring you up to speed things are going good! Off all pain and nausea meds, Had a visit with My PS yesterday and I got another fill. This time he filled 40cc's on my right and 100cc's on my left! Boy am I sore today and last night I eneded up having to take a pain pill for the discomfort. Its not really the streching that is hurting but there is this one spot and if you have already had this surgery with expanders you know what I am talking about...Part of the expander actually pokes at my skin I tried to get a picture of it but it didn't show up. While in the exam room yesterday Brian taped my fill which I will add on here later, once I update a video. I see the surgeon again in 2 weeks. He said that if by then I like the size and volume of my breasts he would do one more fill and then I would be ready to go. I am pretty much set on March 18th being my exchange surgery, just don't want to say it too loud shhh. Along with having my PBM I am still doing surveillance on my ovaries. As of right now I do not feel it is necessary for me to undergo any surgery of my reproductive organs, so I chose surveillance. Last Thursday I had my very first Trans-vaginal Probe U/S. For was the Pelvic part of it which was fine I was talking to the tech the whole time, then came that vaginal probe lol can you say AWKWARD! I laid in silence as she probed away. Monday morning I pulled up my results that were sent to the Dr. I work for as well as my GYN. The report said I had an ovarian cyst and thats about it. I figured if it was something to worry about My GYN would of called me, plus I have an appt for my annual in a couple of weeks. So that's it for now. I will post some new pics below for you too see. My boobs look misshaped now but this is not what the final outcome will look like so don't worry, only temporary until the exchange surgery. Lots of pics to share tonight I even included clothed ones :)
|7 weeks and 11 weeks Post Op|
350cc and 390cc (estimated)
at 9:29 PM